I worked so hard at work today! It was so busy, my goodness. It’s really nice when there is a lot to do...I feel more accomplished! It’s gotten so much better at work because I actually know what I’m doing now! I used to hate it at the beginning because I had no idea what I was doing, but now I am very well versed in the production of the company and office. I feel like I am actually making a difference now. I am proud of myself because I had to work hard to get here and to feel that way! I also spent time with Dallin today. I really love him so much. He is really nervous to leave on his mission...I can tell. I am trying to help him feel more comfortable with the idea of serving because it really is so great!
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
November 15, 2015
I woke up this morning very sick! I literally couldn’t get out of bed. I had to miss church, which was upsetting. I really hate missing the Sacrament. It’s weird how sick I get sometimes, but my body just shuts down. I think it’s my body’s way of saying, ‘SLOW DOWN!’ So that’s what I’m trying to do. I am just trying to focus on the necessities instead of trying to do everything at once! I think I will actually get a lot more done and be healthier if I do this!
November 14, 2015
Okay! Do you ever have those days when all your friends are busy and you literally have nothing to do!?! Seriously it seems like all of my friends were either out of town or on dates and I was just....at home, by myself! I felt like such a loser. Usually in this situation, I would’ve just felt sorry for myself and stayed home, but I decided to make something of my night! I got a few of my other friends who I don’t know as well together and we hung out. I actually had a great night and I am so happy that I made an effort to be social. I am just a lot happier when I am with other people. Seriously.
November 13, 2015
Today I decided to be happy. I decided to feel okay with my life instead of wishing it was anything but what it was. I have been kind of sad lately just because everything is turning out so differently than what I thought, but I am trying to be patient. I have had so many experiences where I have had to learn the elasticity of life. Matt and I decided that we weren’t going to give us a try. He needs to figure some stuff out with a girl that is coming home from a mission in December. It’s really too bad because I think that we would make a great couple, but I just have to trust. I know that Matt is a good guy and he is just trying to make a right decision. I have to respect his agency...I would want him to do the same for me if I were in his position.
November 12, 2015
TODAY I FOUND OUT THAT MATT HAS FEELINGS FOR ME! WHAT! We served together on our mission, but we actually met our Freshman year of college! We just really bonded on the mission, but I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. Then....I FOUND OUT HE LIKES ME!?!? I found out from my friend who talked to him and I completely freaked out because it was so out of the blue! I decided that there were two things I could do: I could ignore it, or I could say something about it. And since I am striving to be more true to myself and confident...I decided to say something to him. I did it! I called him and told him to talk to me about it and we did! I don’t know what’s going to come of this, but I’m just glad that I said something. I just couldn’t regret not ever saying anything, you know!?
November 11, 2015
Today is my Dad’s birthday! Kathryn and I put together a gift for my dad. It was honestly very sweet! So every night, my dad sends goodnight texts to all his kids who live away from him. Sometimes it’s a simple, ‘I love you’ or sometimes he makes funny comments on what’s going on in our lives. Tonight, he sent me a text telling me to keep my head high. I just love my Dad. He really inspires me to be better. It’s cool how such a simple thing has made such a difference in my life. That is something that he has helped me to understand- to just do the little things! Small steps bring about great changes!
November 10, 2015
Today I learned the importance of work. I have been so out of control of my life, and the last two days, I finally feel in control! My name is Emily Jones and I have control of my life. And the best part is, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary to feel this way. I just made a conscious effort to do what I can and to use all my time productively and I can report that it paid off! Instead of busting my butt to get everything done at the last minute or letting things in my life slide, I actually stayed on top of everything. Even though I didn’t do what I wanted (ie. take a nap or watch a movie) I feel better more fulfilled and more happy. Isn’t ironic that when we put off the natural man and suppress our carnal desires that we ended being more pleased and happy with our lives? I felt that today. I am happy to be re-learning this again. I first learned it on my mission, but I lost my mojo.
November 9, 2015
Tonight, I went to my own FHE for the first time in 3 months! *cue walk of shame* I am so embarrassed that I haven’t been to my own ward. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to attend, but it just is! I think that I don’t do well going to things by myself, but tonight, I decided to get over it and just go! I’m glad I went. It was obvious that I was the man out, but it didn’t make me feel like I never wanted to go again. It was just re-affirmation that I need to make a better commitment to go. I know that even though I don’t feel needed in our ward (I’m almost invisible) that the Lord needs me there. So if He needs me there, I will be there.
November 8, 2015
Today I made the decision to withdraw from my humanities class. I’m not proud of this. HOW DID I EVEN GET TO THIS POINT? AH! I don’t know why, but school has been so hard for me ever since I got back from my mission, which is honestly opposite of what I thought would happen. I think it’s just been too much for me to adjust back to normal life and instead of taking it all head on, I just crumbled. This semester, I started my very first job. It’s been a huge adjustment to juggle school work and a part-time job. Because of this, my school work kind of fell to wayside, especially this class. Long story short, I failed my first midterm in that class. And because of that, I half no way to redeem myself with a good grade. I feel really stupid about this, but I guess it’s been a good learning experience for me. I know now that I have to be better with my time and I will never let this happen again.
November 7, 2015
Tonight, I met up with my friends at Sonic. I was in the library studying for a majority of the day so I hung out with them long after they got together. I was very surprised when I saw Nick (my friend’s roommate) there. He is a very quiet guy and he keeps to himself. He usually doesn’t hang out with us. I think at the beginning of the semester, they used to invite him a lot and he kept saying no so they stopped. Later I found out that he told them ‘thank you’ for inviting him to come. It just made me really happy because I realized how long a small act of kindness can go. They could have easily just not invited him like usual, but they were sensitive to his needs and it just so happened to make his night! This just reminded me that I need to be more conscious of those around me.
November 6, 2015
Garrett is in town! He is potentially moving down here from Rexburg. He’s just been going through a lot with his recent break-up with Paige. He has just been so sad and it’s been interesting to watch him kind of fall apart. It’s not even Garrett who I’ve noticed really, but my parents and my sister Kathryn who have just done so much to take care of him. My parents are the ones who have been really helping him deal with his emotions and they offered him the opportunity to move down here. I think they just wanted him to be happy and they are doing anything to accomplish that! Kathryn has been so patient with him and has called him to be a listening ear. I am just really grateful for the examples that I have in my life. My family is so good and it’s times like these that I realize how lucky I am and then I am inspired to be a better sister and daughter.
November 4, 2015
Every Monday, I get some of my friend's emails who are out serving missions and I love reading their testimonies. They all have such great experiences and for some time, I have been tempted to believe that I could never have the same type of experiences as the ones I had on my mission. Thank goodness, God has helped me to see that that is not true. He is always there and if I open my eyes, I can see Him.
Today, I was sitting in my Doctrine and Covenants class and we were discussing section 135, which talks about the martyrdom of Joseph Smith and his brother, Hyrum. It was interesting to learn about the details of this event and to see how his character remained faithful and obedient even through this trying time. I had this weird moment where the Spirit took me back through all the different things I had learned about Joseph throughout my life- good and bad.
Yes, Joseph made mistakes. There are a lot of things I don't understand about him or about early church history. On my mission and now, I realize how easy it is to not believe in him. It's easy to let the "hard things" skew your opinion about the Prophet and the legitimacy of the Church.
But let me tell you, when I truly learned what happened that early spring morning in April of 1820, my life changed. I realized for the first time that that morning meant that God was there and that He loved us enough to speak to us again. The Restoration that took place thereafter was a restoration of His Gospel. It amazes me that we have full access to His grace because a young boy had a question and God felt that it was time to restore all things again.
Whenever I pray about that first vision, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace. I know that Joseph really did see God and I know that he assisted God in building up His kingdom once again on this Earth. I know that Joseph was a good man and a prophet of God.
I am amazed by his service to God and I can't believe that he gave his life for the cause! I believe that one day, we will be able to understand all things. Until then, I trust in the feeling that I get whenever I pray about him.
So for all the bad out there about Joseph Smith, I trust in the good that I know. I know that God trusted Joseph enough to pioneer this dispensation of the Gospel and for that I am so grateful.
I was grateful for this little experience that God reminded me of my deep faith and testimony. I have realized that if I am open and willing to listen, the Lord will reconfirm the things that I know to be true and teach me more. It's been cool to see this occur in a real-life setting.
October 31, 2015
I am trying really hard to be more social. I don’t know why, but I really struggle with the desire to go out and meet new people. It’s not that I lack confidence, I’m just tired. And sometimes social settings give me anxiety because I feel the need to be 100% on all the time, which is something I am not. But anyway. Sister French from my mission had a birthday party tonight and so I went with Macy. It was actually a lot of fun! I didn’t know most of the people there, but I reconnected with some of my friends. I think that’s the point of being social, it’s about connecting with people.
September 26, 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot about my brother Tanner and his fiancee McCall. I’ve had a rocky relationship with them lately, but I want it to get better. I really do. Let me explain: My brother met his fiancée while I was serving my mission. During their courtship, they both faced many spiritual and emotional trials. My brother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and openly struggled with his testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had a hard time with this and I struggled to connect with her.
When I returned home from my mission, I came home to a struggling brother and a new sister, someone who I knew nothing about. It was all too much for me to handle. Because of mental illness, my almost sister-in-law acted very indifferently to me. Not knowing how to handle it, I became very hurt. Even though I knew the hardships they were both dealing with, I still struggled to forgive and love her. It caused me so much angst and the angst grew as time drew on.
When I returned home from my mission, I came home to a struggling brother and a new sister, someone who I knew nothing about. It was all too much for me to handle. Because of mental illness, my almost sister-in-law acted very indifferently to me. Not knowing how to handle it, I became very hurt. Even though I knew the hardships they were both dealing with, I still struggled to forgive and love her. It caused me so much angst and the angst grew as time drew on.
September 23, 2015
So I am taking this class right now about education and I am just so happy! I am so excited to be a teacher. I am so excited to work with little kids. I saw just how effective teaching was on my mission and I want to continue that now. I feel like my greatest desire is to help children love to learn....Not for others but for themselves. It's not for a grade, it's to progress. I don't feel like I grasped that as a child, so I want to make a difference by helping students understand that better.
September 22, 2015
Last night I saw Ryan at Dallin’s mission call opening. I was so angry at him. It’s weird, my sadness has turned to anger, but I guess that’s better than being sad all the time??!? I don’t know. Maybe not. I think it’s just a sign that I’m dealing with it. He kept trying to talk to me and I just completely ignored him. I just don’t feel like I need to be his friend and I don’t want to be. It’s too painful. I might not have been the kindest to him, but for the first time in years, I finally stood up for myself!! For so long I have just caved to his every needs..even when he is mean to me, but not anymore! I am starting to stick up for myself.
September 21, 2015
Today Dallin got his mission call!!! I am SO HAPPY FOR HIM!!!! He is going to the Spain Madrid mission...the mission where my Dad served thirty years ago. I am so proud of him. He has gone through a lot and has truly struggled with his spirituality, so it’s a blessing that he is going to serve. His experience has reminded me that it doesn’t matter we have done, we can always repent and try again. Through the Atonement we can always be redeemed. We can always start over and for Dallin, this is the greatest way for him to start over!
September 20, 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last blog post I wrote and what guided me to really believe that. I wanted to write down my experience that changed my perspective on God and choosing His will. So here it goes: For eighteen years, I managed through life with one goal of gratifying my needs. I did what I had to do in to accomplish my deepest desires. I didn’t live my life for God because I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to trust Him either. Because my faith wasn’t sure, my ability to humbly seek His will was very slim.
After years and years of God reaching out to me, I finally listened. One of the most defining moments in my life occurred back in January 2013. I was a freshman here at BYU. Just a few months earlier, President Monson made the monumental missionary age change. For the first time in my life, my future faced a different route than I had ever imagined. For months, I agonized over the idea of serving a mission and spent countless hours trying to make my mind up on going or not. Initially, I had decided against it because the thought of leaving the comfort of my family and friends was too much to bear.
Yet, one sacred night, I found myself alone, reading my scriptures, pondering the words of God. I was reading the later chapters of Alma, which were non-to applicable to my life. Yet, as I read those words, I felt the spirit. It was the most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced in my life. In that sacred moment, I knew that I had to serve a mission. No words can do justice to the clarity I felt. I couldn’t deny it and didn’t dare deny it.
I’m so grateful I listened to Heavenly Father and served a mission. It’s been the greatest blessing of my life.
September 19, 2015
I believe that true happiness comes when we put off the natural man and live the higher law. My life has been substantial more full since I have allowed Him to take me by the hand. Although scary, allowing the Lord to direct our lives will bring us more fulfillment than if we go off of our own carnal desires. This is because He sees the bigger picture; He knows the path that will lead us back to Him. I have learned that over the past few years. It’s been the greatest blessing to remember this as I go through the recent struggles of my life...that God really is in charge and He loves me. He knows what I need and He will take care of me.
September 18, 2015
This came from one of my assignments today and I feel like it captures my feelings exactly:
September 17, 2015
I was thinking a lot about my education this week and how hard it’s been. The saddest part of my education experience was not the lack of learning, but the time I wasted. It had never dawned on me until a few months ago that I was going about school all-wrong. I hated going to school and attending classes, I hated homework and I hated studying, but it’s because I was doing it for the glory of man and not for the glory of God. I finally understood that God didn’t care about my grades, but that He cared that my mind was expanding. God wants us to grow and He has inspired men to go to school and to study so that they might be able to learn both secular and spiritual knowledge.
September 16, 2015
Day Two of Post Ryan. I’m doing okay today. I just feel so sad still! I wish I didn’t. It’s just a lot of years and emotions coming to an end. He was such a big part of my life. I need to learn how to be myself without him. I need to realize that I can be whole without him. I’ve just been praying a lot to feel healed from this heartbreak. I know it sounds crazy, but I really need to Atonement to help me through this. I need to allow God to take control of my life.
September 15, 2015
I will be honest, today has been very difficult for me. I found out that Ryan is dating a girl from his mission. A week ago, he asked me to hang out and then I NEVER heard from him. I was so devastated when I found out that he had a girlfriend. It’s like everything inside of me just died. I have loved Ryan for so long and he is all that I’ve ever known. Him having a girlfriend has been a very big wake up call. I’ve been so angry at him though because of how it’s all happened. Ever since he got home, he treated me as if we would get back together and he made such a point to see me just to date someone else! I just don’t understand. I feel so sad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much heartbreak in my life.
September 14, 2015
I am using a scooter right now since I got surgery about a month ago! My scooter has become a part of my identity. It’s so funny because it’s been such a blessing, but it’s also such a pain. Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad I’m not gimping around on crutches, but I wish it wasn’t so big and distracting! I definitely get a lot of weird looks on my scooter and I just have to keep my head high and scoot along! It’s funny, but using my scooter has helped me to be more confident. I have had to develop a sort of “thick skin” and not care what people think about me! It’s definitely been a blessing to be able to just embrace my whole self!
September 13, 2015
I still feel so unprepared at work, so I took initiative and decided to come in after my shift for a few hours to get some training from the afternoon receptionist. I will say it, I was proud of myself! I didn’t even get paid for coming in, but I just felt like I needed to do something instead of being clueless employee. I felt like that was a very responsible thing to do so I felt like I needed to take a moment to congratulate myself! Why don’t I do that more? Why do I spend so much time focusing on my shortcomings instead of my successes? I am going to try to do that more!
September 12, 2015
The other day, Megan told me that she saw Ryan walk a girl home from school. I’m trying not to think about it too much because it’s making me feel crazy! I just haven’t heard from Ryan since we hung out the other day and I’m worried that he didn’t have a good time. I was kind of a spaz, but I just want him to love me so much. I want him and I to work out and I’m worried he has moved on. I am going to try not to worry about it because I really don’t know anything! For all I know, he could have just run into an old friend and walked her home, right?
September 11, 2015
Today I came to work with a list of questions and thankfully I learned some more stuff, but when it really comes down to it- I know NOTHING! I want to get this job down so I can be more of a help rather than a burden to the office. In other news, school is going okay! I am only taking 13 credits so it shouldn’t be too bad. I have a goal this semester to love learning more. I want to study to gain knowledge instead of doing to get a good grade. I feel like that’s what God wants of as well.
September 10, 2015
I feel like I only ever journal about work, but that is a huge part of my life right now! Or at least it’s the hardest thing! Wow, I’m only two days in and this is already really hard. I’m trying to remain upbeat about this, but work has caused me a lot of anxiety. They don’t have anyone to train me so I’m like a deer in the headlights! One of my co-workers sat down with me yesterday, but today? No one helped me! It’s frustrating because they expect me to know all this stuff, but I literally know nothing! Ha- I just sit there and try to pretend like I know what I’m doing. My Mom told me to be patient because anytime you start something new, it always feels like this! I am trying to believe her. Hopefully tomorrow goes better.
September 9, 2015
Today, I started work! I go in everyday from 8:30-12:30. This will be very difficult for me because I love my sleep! I don’t think I’ve been outside of the house that early in so long. I’m hoping it will get easier. Seriously though, having an early job will help me be more productive instead of spending the whole day sleeping! That’s one thing I can improve! I have been thinking a lot lately about what I want to improve and my productivity is definitely one of those things! I’ve gotten into such a bad habit of being lazy. I’ve also learned though, that I have to take my progression one step at a time and I can’t get mad at myself when I fail. That’s real progression; getting back up when you fall time and time again!
September 8, 2015
Today, I went in to have a second interview with Andy, but this time, Darren (another advisor was in there). At the end of the interview, they offered me the job! I start tomorrow! I seriously can’t believe it. I’m really grateful to Heavenly Father for blessing me with this. It’s seriously such an answer to my prayers. I have worked really hard to find a job all summer that will fit my physical needs and I finally found one! God has been so kind to guide me to where I need to be and I know I owe all of this to Him. I believe that gratitude is an important skill to learn and I want to acknowledge how I grateful am to Heavenly Father in my life.
September 7, 2015
Today I got a frantic call from Jamie, my old roommate today. As soon as I answered, she said, “Do you want the job at Merrill Financial!?!?” I told her yes, but I hadn’t heard from them so I didn’t think I was going to get the job! It was weird, they told me that they were going to call me by today, but it was almost 4 P.M. and nothing! My friend Jamie used to work there and I guess they called her because they were having a hard time getting ahold of me. I quickly called them back and they told me that they had texted me and called me like ten times with no answer. They asked me if they had the right phone number and....I GAVE THEM THE WRONG NUMBER! Are you kidding me!?! I was so embarrassed! Who does that!?! I seriously don’t know how I pulled it off. It’s times like today when I remember to be humble. Stupid mistakes like that remind me that I’m human. It’s so embarrassing that I did that, but the plus side is that I will never do it again! Baby steps....I’m just proud of myself for getting a resume together! That’s all that matters right!?
September 6, 2015
Last night, Ryan asked to hang out with me. Ryan has been the love of my life since I was five. No joke. I was honestly shocked that he wanted to see me. ME! It was just like old times and I was so excited. I am really hoping that we can get back together. He’s only been home from his mission for 2 weeks so I am trying to give him space. I also went to church today! My ward is so so sweet! The people seem really cool and outgoing. I think this will be a good fit for me! I felt a confirmation of that during Sunday School when the Spirit whispered to me, “This is where you need to be”. I’m really grateful for this confirmation that I received because I’ve been really struggling to feel peace about being in this new place.
September 5, 2015
Tonight, I hung out with my friends! Brian and Jorie hosted a dumpling night at their apartment and we all got together and feasted on dumplings. I am just really grateful that we all still hang out. I always wondered on my mission if we would all reconnect. I lost touch with a few of them, so it’s seriously so nice to be back together. Tyson came with me tonight. He has been my best friend for years, but we are in a weird place right now. I’m actually having a really hard time with it. Ever since he got home from his mission, he has acted so weird towards me. He has been so distant with me and I need to figure it out. I feel like I am in this place in life right now where I am learning to not take everything so personally. I am just trying to allow him his space and accept the fact that we might not ever be close again without being offended. We’ll see how that goes.
September 4, 2015
You would think that after a year of living with a random person and then, 18 months serving in many places with many different people, I would get used to moving around. My apartment is really nice and my roommates seem sweet, but I just feel so lonely and so out of place. I get anxiety at night thinking about living here. I’m hoping that with time it will get better because I know that I was supposed to live here. I pray that I can get to know everyone and find my place here. I’m trying to care less what people think of me and more about meeting new people. Something happens though when I get put in situations like this- I lose all confidence. I wish I didn’t, but it’s just something I’m trying to work on.
September 3, 2015
OH WOW! The interview went so awkwardly today! I showed up on my scooter and the office was SILENT! I went into the conference room and talked with Andy, one of the advisors. He told me that he was really, really sick and he kept rambling on his words! The interview got sidetracked a lot and he would start asking me random questions that would lead to a conservation-like discussion. Very confusing. I tried my best to be put together and honest in what I told them. Honestly, I am not the most qualified for this job, but I think that I can do okay. He told me that he would call me to let me know by Tuesday! I’m so nervous! I have to move my schedule around just in case. I felt like I did my best and if I don’t get the job, it’s okay. Either way, it helped me be a better interviewer.
September 2, 2015
Good news! I have an interview tomorrow for a new job. I’m so nervous because I have only been to one other interview in my whole life and it was the most easy-going thing! I was applying for Sodalicious and the only question she asked me was, “What kind of person would your friend describe you as?” and that was it! She gave me the job on the spot. This one will be a little different because it’s for a receptionist job at a investment firm. I’m honestly just so grateful to even have a job to interview for; it’s been a really big stress in my life these past few months to find a job. With my foot injury, I can’t work on my feet at all and most jobs that are offered in Provo require just that. When I saw that I could apply for this job, I jumped right on it! Hopefully it goes well.
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